i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
