i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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