smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
