a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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