when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
