apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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