what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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