Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
