The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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