she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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