I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
