Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's the barista slut.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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