Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
