The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
