vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm really busy with my period
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