he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
