I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
