I think my fart just growled at me.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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