Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize