My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
