My friends, they love my intelligence
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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