Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
