Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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