dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
