The maid of honor just puked.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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