Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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