he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
