I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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