his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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