So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
