Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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