Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
