I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
