Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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