so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
