I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
