I just threw up on my dentist
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
