He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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