I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
