No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
