you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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