dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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