Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
