I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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