Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
