pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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