I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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