she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize