if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
