More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
