Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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