just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize