someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
