I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
