my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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