I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
