something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
organizing the empties. That sober.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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