Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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