Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He passed out mid-signature
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
