Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
