i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
