I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize