At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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