it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
