the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
