She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
